Polygamy, Polyamory, Sister Wives and You

From bigger-love.com -

'By Lucius Scribbens on October 4th, 2010

Some of you may be saying to yourself: "Self, why has Lucius Scribbens
developed such an interest in polygamy and the plight of the Brown's
(the family featured in the TLC reality series Sister Wives) in Lehi,
Utah?"

Well it's like this. Kody Brown and his wives Meri, Janelle and
Christine (and soon to include Robyn) represent more than polygamy.
They are a very functional, long-term plural quad with 15+ years
together and 13 kids, and any consensual plural relationship that
constitutes commitment (such as they exhibit) could be prosecuted
under current bigamy laws across the United States.

Just because you are legally married to one person and have a
handfasting to another, doesn't make you safe from being convicted of
a third degree felony for bigamy. You are under U.S. laws, a
polygamist… Like it or not. The only thing saving your ass at this
very moment is that you aren't Mormon therefore you aren't garnering
the attention of the representatives of the State.

The U.S. Model Penal Code (MPC) states that you don't have to be
married to more than one person, you only have to say that you are to
be guilty of bigamy. Hell, in eleven states just coinhabiting with
someone other than a family member is illegal and can earn you a fine
and possibly jail time.'

More here: http://www.bigger-love.com/2010/10/polygamy-polyamory-sister-wives-and-you/

Week in Review – Week of 2010.04.11 – 04.17

This week has been stressful in terms of work, but fun in terms of derby. I’m still excited to be playing in scrimmage-like drills, as anyone around me can easily tell since I won’t shut up about it. I’m taking full advantage of my early work schedule to go to as many practices as possible. There are other things I’d like to be doing with this time as well, but right now I’m making derby a priority because I want to get my skills up to speed, and hope to be able to skate in the upcoming Rookie Rumble. Wish me luck!

Sunday’s endurance practice was surprisingly a lot of fun. I normally *hate* endurance practices, but since there was a bout last Saturday, very few people showed up for practice one and therefore it was ran at a slower, more personal pace. I actually got to work on technique instead of just racing pell-mell for two hours. It was nice. After practice I picked up Nivagi and we brought Ke dinner before Ke went into work. Nivagi and I snuggled and watched Angel, enjoying a pleasant, low-key night.

Monday I had off work so I enjoyed some quiet time while Ke slept and Jero and Nivagi were at work. When Jero got home I walked over to her house and we went out for a yummy dinner before I got on the MUX. I was able to get on early for a change, so I got to role-play with Cawh, Chdr, Desm, Hemy, Nightfall, Scourge, and Semcca in several different scenes. I didn’t advance the plot as far as I’d hoped to, but I had a lot of fun, which is ultimately more important. Jero and I then looked over Gen Con stuff before bed.

Tuesday night’s derby practice was a lot of fun. Again, my legs were tired in the beginning but fine once we started doing scrimmage-type drills. I got to be knocked around the track by Faye Stunaway, which was rather cool. I felt guilty “hogging” the track (even though I shouldn’t have because it was a men’s practice), but I wanted to block every jam. I still suck, but I’m having fun playing. After practice I tore Stsm away from my other girlfriends at the poly meetup to come hang out with me before bed. We talked and she brought me cool books to read and we had a lovely night.

Wednesday was a shitty day – it started with scheduling stress and went downhill from there. After I escaped work I didn’t want to go to derby practice, but I went anyway, since I usually enjoy it once I get there. Luckily, this was the case again that night – after skating around for two hours and getting pummeled by Uzi Q (who hits like the steel telephone pole), I felt a lot better. I grabbed some food with Jero and then Ke, and after a long shower I felt a lot better. Unfortunately since I’m working an earlier shift I couldn’t stay up too late, but I did get to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report with her before she put me to bed. B)


Thursday was a better day at work than Wednesday, especially since I got to have lunch with Adshru. After work I went with Jero to practice where I had a great time getting my ass kicked by members of the Circle City Socialites during scrimmage-like drills. After two hours I was sore and incredibly tired, but I had a lot of fun. Jero and I grabbed quick food and then went back to her house so I could do my taxes (yes, at the very last minute, as always). Exhaustion and technology fail made it a much more difficult process than it had to be, but I finally got them filled out and submitted at 12:10 AM Friday morning (doh!).

Friday was busy and tiring, with the phones ringing off the hook all damned day. I did have a pleasant break when Jero visited me for lunch, but then the day dragged for the next 4 hours. I had to deal with a host of Friday-stress problems (every company in the Midwest seems to want to wait ‘til Friday to run everything), and I barely escaped on time at the end of my shift. I ran to Ke’s house to grab Nivagi, and then Nivagi and I went to see Neil Gaiman, who was awesome. After the lecture we went to Some Guys Pizza and ordered a ton of food, some of which we brought back to Ke before she went into work.

Thankfully today has been much quieter at work. We have very few people here, so I’m doing a combination of east and Midwest work, but I don’t mind. Tonight I’m going to go see the Naptown Roller Girls play the Ohio Roller Girls in a double-header at the Pepsi Coliseum. The Naptown Roller Girls got to hang out with Neil Gaiman last night after his lecture, so I’m a little envious. Jero is picking me up, and Stsm should be there as well. Should be fun!

Blast from the Past: Reminder of from where Obama’s “new” deficit originated :
Bush's tax cuts overwhelmingly favored the wealthy. The top 1% will saved more than $30,000 per year while the bottom 31% saved nothing at all.
Source: Citizens for Tax Justice and AFL/CIO

Amsc – Weekend 2009.03.02

Last weekend I talked to Amsc about the fact that she’s met a guy she likes who is monogamous. I told her if she needed to take a break with me to explore things with him, we could. I don’t want to give Amsc up, but I also think since she lives so far away it would be selfish to restrict her chances at a full-time local relationship to keep her available to me the four days a month we get to see each other.

Amsc thought it might not be fair to just say, “OK, never mind! Game on!” if things don’t out with New Guy. She’s concerned about treating me unfairly, especially with my recent troubles with Mika. However, Amsc has been up front with me about her needs and the problems she has with us long-term, and I don’t want her to feel pressure to “choose” him or me. I want her to be able to explore things without additional stress.

I’m trying to think of this in terms of win-win. If things work out with New Guy (or someone else later on), is happy, and I’ll still presumably get to do most everything I do with her now, minus the sex and maybe some of the snuggling, depending on New Guy’s comfort level. If things don’t work out, I’ll still get to date Amsc, and maybe she’ll feel less like I’m a restriction on her dating opportunities.

I had a very good weekend with Amsc. If it winds up being our last weekend together as a couple, it will be a nice bookend to our first nights together. While there, I tried to focus less on “I might lose Amsc” and more on, “If this is my last weekend with her, let me enjoy it fully so I can look back and smile.” If it turns out that Amsc and I only get two years together, I will try to be happy I had two years with such a wonderful woman.

Last Week 2009.01.17

Last week was pretty good. I stressed myself out over Saturday’s D&D game, but everyone seemed to have a good time. I finally got to talk to Mika about the problems I’ve been having with out relationship, and that cleared up much of the cloud of depression that’s been hanging over me for months.

The Sunday night before last I met up with Nivagi to celebrate her birthday. I couldn’t afford to take her out to dinner, so we just ordered Chinese food and stayed in. We got some time alone and got to sleep in together since I’m off work most Mondays. It was good to spend time with her when neither of us was rushed or exhausted, and Nivagi said it was a first-rate start to her birthday week.

That Monday I blew off MUX night again to work on my Dollship of Doom for Saturday’s D&D game. I felt guilty about it, but I did need to get it done by Saturday, and it’s a lot more fun and speedy with Jero’s help. I felt some time pressure since I wanted to journal, MUX, and work on the Dollship all at the same time. Besides self-induced stress, however, it was a nice night.

That Tuesday I had a horrible day at work, so I skipped the Poly Meetup and just had noodles and hid out with Ke. She helped me put my bed together (finally!) and looked into storage options for all my crap. I got caught up with a little of the vast list of things I’m behind on while Ke studied and window-shopped online. It was a perfect night of productivity and unwinding.

That Wednesday Jero and I had tickets to Repo! The Genetic Opera. Anbadi, D!1, Beldar, DaSn, Jedo, and Liin were there, as well as the director and one of the stars. The movie was marvelously fun in a Sweeney Todd sort of way, and full of Anthony Stewart Head goodness. Afterwards there was an interesting Q&A with the writers and the actor who played the Grave-Robber. I got their autograph for Mira, hugs from Anbadi, D!1, and Liin, and then we went back to Jero’s to sleep.

That Thursday night Mika came over and we had a long talk about our relationship. I’ve had a hard time adjusting to the rapid development of her connection with Tojo, but I didn’t want to bother her about it because I didn’t want to stomp on her NRE. It turns out that just talking about it with her made me feel a lot better about everything. What was that about poly and communication, communication, communication? >B)

Last Friday I went to Mars’s to work more on my Dollship of Doom. Emmemy made us dinner, and their kid ran around looking cute. Mars worked on his own constructible cardstock projects and then helped me with part of the Dollship forecastle. When Emmemy went to bed Mars and I watched the first episode of season 4.5 of BSG, which was just as uplifting as hell. When it got late I stumbled over to Ke’s and passed out to sleep.

Last Saturday I had to work, so I dropped off the Dollship at Jero’s so she could work on it and then went into the office. Unfortunately I’d left the ship in the car all night and the glue froze, meaning Jero had to redo a lot of what we’d done this week. After work Mira come into town for the weekend to role-play with me and to visit Ke, and the D&D game was a chaotic but fun time, and I think an overall success.

“I'll go where and when I please, see what I want to -- and try not to antagonize local yokels. Especially those fighting each other; it makes them trigger happy.”
-- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough For Love

Last Week

Last week was busy, and I felt down a lot of the time. However, I did have a lot of fun with many cool people, some of which I haven’t seen in quite an age. The week ended well with an enjoyable holiday party, and after sleeping in two days in a row I’m slightly more rested, although being at work at 8 AM still leaves me crazy-tired. Boo work! B)

Last Sunday Laat and I slept in, snuggling for warmth and not wanting to get out of her bed. We watched Lost until Laat had to go into work, and while she was gone I showered and played on my laptop. When she returned we went out for dinner and met her friends at a comedy club for a Girl Scouts benefit. After the show I headed back to Indianapolis to snuggle with Ke.

Last Monday is usually my MUX night, but since Jero had put up with me glued to the computer the last two Mondays we decided to give it a break and went out to dinner and played Mario Kart on the Wii instead. Jero and I are both spectacularly bad at Mario Kart, but it’s an amusing enough game that we were entertained nonetheless. We even went online and got our asses kicked by people from all over the world!

Tuesday I went to the dentist and got my missing crown replaced. That night Mika brought me with her to December’s Indy Poly Meetup. I had a good time hanging out with her, Salamander, Tojo, Nivagi, and everyone else that made it out there. After the Meetup Mika and I went over to Tojo’s to help him bring in his new big-screen TV, and then we went back to Mika’s to collapse.

Wednesday work had a sort of “employee appreciation day” and I found out that I had the most customer accolades out of our group. Woot! That night Ke and I went to a party at the Children's Museum. Even though I practically live next door to it, I’ve never been there, so that was cool. We checked out the comics exhibit and I took lots of pictures. I’ll definitely have to go back.

Thursday I went out to eat with Ke and her co-workers, and her boss was good enough to buy us all dinner. After dinner I went home and waited for Nivagi to come over when she got off work. By the time she arrived, it wasn’t long before we needed to sleep, but it was great to spend the bit of time together we had. We’ll have to reschedule soon to finish her D&D character.

Friday I was hoping to have a Hobby Night, but I couldn’t afford to buy the supplies I needed to build my Dollship of Doom, so that’ll have to wait. After driving Ke to the airport I picked up Jero and we went out to eat. We didn’t get hobby stuff done, but it was good to have a night to escape and relax. Jero and I spent the night alone and stored up energy for the weekend.

Saturday afternoon Jero and I slept late and didn’t really want to leave the house to be social. Nonetheless, once Jero had decided to skip derby practice Sunday, that streamlined our plans a bit and we grabbed food before heading out to our first party, which was with the Circle City Socialites roller derby team. We hung out there for a couple of hours (Jero got cool presents from the team) and then headed to the Indy Poly Meetup Holiday party.

The Poly Meetup Holiday party was a lot of fun. I got to see some friends I hadn’t seen in ages and meet fun new people. I saw Daar, and finally got to meet her husband C# and their very adorable kid. I teased Tojo that I never knew the centerpiece of his parties was tossing a stuffed dog around a circle for the amusement of a two-year-old. It was nice to see Salamander and Nivagi again as well – I need to steal them both to role-play sometime soon.

Hanging out with Mika and Tojo on Tuesday and then again on Saturday night was good since I’d been feeling a little left out of Mika’s life since she started spending so much time with Tojo. All of us hanging out together makes me feel part of that area of her life, and reinforces a feeling of Tojo as a friend instead of a rival for Mika’s attention.

"If the government gave them the leases for free they wouldn't take them. No oil company really cares about ANWR."
-- an anonymous Bush adviser, explaining that industry skepticism about the size of potential reserves in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) demonstrates that the administration is more interested in drilling there than the oil companies themselves

Weekend

I had a very pleasant weekend. I got to meet new people, spend time with the only family I actually like, and see friends and lovers with whom I normally don’t ever get enough time. Friday night Mika and I went over to Mars's to play Runebound. Mika and I'd originally intended to have a night alone and maybe a date night (as opposed to the usual case, where by time I get off work it's nearly time to sleep), but Mars had one of his rare nights free so Mika agreed to change plans. Runebound turned out to be one of Mars’s fun-but-endless games, so we wound up hanging out at his house until 4 AM.

Saturday I woke up before Mika and realized I’d somehow managed to lose my flash drive the night before. I looked for it until Mika woke up, and then drove by Mars’s on the way to the poly picnic to see if I’d dropped it outside his house. Mika and I met back up at the picnic, but I didn’t have long to hang out before I had to drive down to Bloomington to meet Mira at Chhu and Jalyru's for Chhu's 30th birthday party. Jalyru had planned a photo scavenger hunt that turned out to be a lot of fun, and I got to meet more of Chhu and Jalyru’s cool circle of friends. Good times!

Sunday Ke, Mira and I went to the Indy Irish Fest for breakfast and to see the kilt race. I escaped without spending much money, which was good, and then Mira and I went back to Ke’s while Ke went to work. I was dead-tired all morning from staying out late at Chhu and Jalyru’s, so Mira insisted I nap until Ke got home. We all had dinner together, and then Mira and I role-played while Ke got some sleep. It was excellent to see Mira before she had to head back to E’ville.

This week has been good so far – work hasn’t been that unpleasant, and for once I’m not booked to my eyeballs, so I have a little time to relax and catch up on my life. My mom is still crazy, but getting better, so now she’s only calling 20 times a day instead of 200. I’m hoping things continue to calm down at work and otherwise so that eventually I can get back to what passes for normal. This weekend Jero is getting to play with the Circle City Socialites at their first bout, so that should be fun and exciting.

"Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding."
-- Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," on the gay marriage ban

This has been a very stressful week, with a few very nice moments in between. Most of the stress comes from my mom, who is manic and spent the first half of the week trying to get out of the stress center, and the rest of the week driving my sister and me crazy. She's managed to get kicked out of her apartment (though she's fighting it) for scaring her neighbors, and so my sister and I have been trying to figure out what to do with her at month's end.

My week actually started off good. Sunday Amsc was still here, and even though I spent a good chuck of the day in Bloomington helping my sister clean my mom's apartment in preparation for moving, that night I got to return to Indy to go see Great Big Sea with Amsc. The show was a lot of fun, and since we were at the Music Mill we were able to hang out right next to the stage.

Monday has traditionally been my MUX night, but I've been making that more optional so that every week Jero doesn't have to spend all night staring at the side of my head. I brought over the cool socks that Ra had made for Jero, and Jero got to have a quiet evening hanging out that didn't involve me stressing over the MUX.

Tuesday night was supposed to be a productivity night, but I wound up on the phone most of the evening and didn't actually accomplish much. I did get to spend some time with Ke between and after the phone calls, so the evening wasn't completely a wash. Wednesday is usually the only day Ke can hang out because of her nursing school schedule, but she got a break this week and didn't have class Wednesday morning.

Since I didn't get much done Tuesday night, Wednesday Ke offered to come hang out at my apartment and read while I tried to get things done. That worked out well, and laundry and assisted-living research is a lot more pleasant when there's a cute nerd girl reading in your bed. Ke's presence also helped keep me from getting too stressed out or distracted by less-important tasks, so the evening quite nice.

Thursday Jero and Mika went to Perkins to have dinner with Nivagi and Salamander. We'd met Nivagi at the Poly Meetup while back, but hadn't gotten a chance to meet her boyfriend Salamander, so we planned late-night coffee as an excuse to drag him out after work. We were all tired and worn out from hard days/week all 'round, but it was still great to meet Salamander and to hang out with everyone else.

Last night Mika and I went over to Mars's to play Runebound Second Edition. We'd actually intended to have a night when we could hang out alone for a huge chunk of time and have a date night (as opposed to the usual case, where by time I get off work it's nearly time to sleep), but Mars had one of his rare nights free, so instead we wound up hanging out at his house until 4 AM. *chuckle*

Today Mika and I are going to a poly picnic for a few hours, and then I'm driving down to Bloomington to meet hotarugirl at my sister Chhu and Jalyru's for Chhu's birthday party. Jalyru has fun hinjinx planned, so it should be entertaining at least. Before I head to the picnic I need to run by Mars's to make sure I didn't drop my flash drive getting into my car at 4 AM.

Tomorrow Mira and I hope to kidnap Ke to the Indy Irish Fest, but apparently Ke is so far behind with her work we might night be able to spring her for any fun this weekend. Either way Sunday night I plan to run Mira's World of Darkness campaign, since she and I haven't gotten to RP in ever. Hope everyone else has a good weekend!

Designated Control Freak

I think this is a *great* idea. I do a bit of this already, but making it policy sounds perfect.

From http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/ --

Designated Control Freak

One of the issues that often arise in poly situations — especially in group living is who decides what gets done.

Sure, sure, a consensus model works. But have you ever gotten more than two people to happily agree on more than 50% of decisions? (The “happily” part is important in the long run. Just going along without being happy means that you’re gonna have some resentment along the line).

When the consensus model won’t work, there’s another option: The Designated Control Freak.

I found out about the whole concept of the DCF from a good friend of mine, and thought it was funny and cute and a nifty way to solve decision issues. I told my roommate about it, who also thought it was cute, so we jokingly implemented it.

It was at least six months before we internalized the awesome power of the system.

( The System )

Polyamory in the News

Polyamory in the News: "Love Unlimited: The Polyamorists," New Scientist

"The best, most important article about polyamory that I can recall appears in tomorrow's New Scientist (for July 8, 2006). Based in England, New Scientist is a large-circulation magazine for the science-reading public; it claims to be the world's 'leading science and technology weekly.' (Though its coverage of my own field has sometimes been sensationalist and uncritical.)" -- Alan, polyinthemedia

( More... )